So I’m trying to live beautifully here and I just seem to keep on failing at the same point every time. It feels like I can hold so much together, but by the end of the day, particularly if it has been a trying day and things are mounting up, I just end up messing up in the same area time and again… getting along with my husband.
Every day I tell myself I’m going to do better and every night I have something to feel bad about. Seems like I can see beauty in nature, look on the bright side of mishaps, frame things positively to the kids when they don’t go to plan.. but I can’t seem to find enough goodness left inside me to end the day on a high note with hubby.
Not very fair.
Let me be clear.. I have a good man for a husband, and I really shouldn’t be having trouble with this. He supports us, helps with the kids, does baths and bedtimes and nappies, allows himself to be climbed on and harassed, and gives great rides. He refuses to cook but will do washing and hang it up. This really shouldn’t be a problem!
Part of it is that I’ve been holding things together all day and once he gets home I feel I should be able to share the load a bit and relax, so I get grumpy if he wants to do other things or dither around. Part of it is that it feels like he puts customers first and family second, which I dislike, even though I know its unavoidable sometimes. Part of it is that he doesn’t seem to see the things that need doing, so he tends to sit on the couch while I buzz around him doing all the jobs (often with kids still hanging off me even though he’s right there… often with his phone out.. looking super chilled).. Then all too often it ends with me making a snarky comment or getting grumpy with him.
Ooh sour grapes, right?!! Sigh. I know. I try to remember that he works hard to support us. I try to be encouraging and supportive instead of ungrateful and critical. There’s a part in the Bible that says something along the lines of ‘out of your mouth comes what’s in your heart’ which is super scary to me because I don’t want to think that my heart is ungrateful and critical! I love my husband and I want our marriage to be kind and connected and fulfilling.
Hmmm. How to get from here to there.. ??